how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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