I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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