I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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