you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
