I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
