How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
