i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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