I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
