Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I wear drunk well.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
