Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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