I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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