she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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