the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
