he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
