when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
