My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
