I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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