That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
