pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
