Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
