We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
