Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
