my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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