Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I'm really busy with my period
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