It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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