Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
