Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
