Please, let me fuck your mom
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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