Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
