The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
