dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
