no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my being single is dangerous.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
