I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
