We won't sleep together?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
