Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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