I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Found the puke drawer
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
