i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
