There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
