do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
