conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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