i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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