didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
