Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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