I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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