turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
