took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
