I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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