im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
