dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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