Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
