saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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