girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
