Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
