Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
