This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
