obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
