I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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