had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
