I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize