Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
