a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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