I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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