You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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