She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
