i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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