i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize